This morning marks a date that should have been big for us. Today would have been the half-way mark of our pregnancy. We would have been having our ultrasound and her echo soon.
Yesterday I got to hold my friend's new baby. It was bitter sweet. I'm so excited for her, but my heart ached that I would never hold my precious little girl this side of heaven. I held back my tears as I looked at his face, touched his cheeks, held his hand, and did all the things I wanted for myself. As I handed him back to his mommy, my heart longed to be her, having the joy of that first bath, diaper, snuggle. All the things I won't have with Leilani.
For the last twenty weeks, I have longed for things that I cannot have. I have cried, yelled, been angry, and I have tried to give my aching to my Father. In my humanity, I am unable to bear this loss. I want the next twenty weeks to be different. So each week on Wednesday, as I remember my daughter and where I would be in my pregnancy with her, I want to post something positive about motherhood. Pray with me that God will allow me to use this blog to glorify Him, even in the pain.
The LORD your God will raise up for you a prophet like me from among your own brothers. You must listen to him. Deuteronomy 18:15
1 comment:
Oh I am sitting here just crying for you. You are in my daily prayers because I know that it is so hard you are not even able to express it. On December 14 it will have been one year since my I had my miscarriage. I still cry about it and don't understand why?? We just have to keep believing and praying and knowing that the Lord is in control. I will be praying that the Lord lifts your heavy heart and gives you his joy! I know I am not there yet! I will believe that the next 20 weeks will be different.
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