Friday, October 31, 2008

Dreams... yes, Dreams again


Last night I dreamed again of a little boy named David. It was such a wonderful dream. I wanted to believe my dream of twins the other night was for the future, but after last nights, I remembered.

I prayed that God would allow me to see my children. That He would show them to me in my dreams and let me meet them. He is doing that. The realization of what has begun in my life is nearly overwhelming.

The night I dreamed of Leilani and Justin, I saw their faces and I knew they were mine. I held her, but not him. It makes sense now. I believed I was carrying twins but never saw a second child. When my labs came back after losing Leilani, they were too high for a single pregnancy. God told me I had two before the doctors did. I didn't hold Justin because I didn't know. I pray that God will give me a second chance and allow me to hold him. Last night's dream of David was the confirmation that these were the children I have lost.

The experience of childbirth has to be the single most defining experience of a woman's life, besides accepting Christ of course. I gave birth to David in my dream. A perfect little guy with dark hair. I know he is my child. I had just found out I was expecting when I lost him. At time I was pregnant with him, it would have led me to name him David.

I have two other children to meet... Gracie and an another. I hope to see Gracie tonight, but I would still like to relish in the dreams of David, Leilani, and Justin. How do you choose which one to see? I know God will show them to me as He see fit. I praise Him because even though I have been unlovable, He has continued to love me. Unconditionally.

Thank you Father for these children who are safe in your arms. Kiss them for me tonight and hug them close.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10-11

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Look

I couldn't help but post this photo of Kaden. His "so what, I'm Kaden" attitude just shines through and we have tried furiously to capture this look on camera. So here he is, in all his white haired glory, giving "the look." I hope you enjoy it as much as we do...

Saturday, October 25, 2008


I had a dream last night, one I hope is a glimpse of the future. There were two new babies in my home. A boy named Justin all dressed in a blue sleeper and playing in a swing, and a smaller baby, a girl, with a chest scar, dressed in a white sleeper, her name was Leilani Faith. I don't begin to know what dreams mean. Sometimes I think it's a glimpse of our future or maybe just the longing of our hearts. The deep desperation of a mother who lost her child and wanting to hold her baby close, kiss her tiny face, and give her the love she deserves. I don't know what my dream means, but it brought me comfort to believe there may be another little one (or two) in our future.

Friday, October 24, 2008


Dealing with emotional trauma just wasn't enough for me. Wednesday night, I actually miscarried and ended up in the ER with uncontrollable bleeding. I'm blessed to be alive today. God spared me from surgery and chose to give me more time here with my family. There's nothing like laying helpless in the ER, praying for you very life. Today I'm grateful for just being able to get out of bed and being able to hug and kiss my children and husband. I'm still recouping from the sheer amount of blood loss, but God is in control still and has His hand on my life.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Praising Him

Throughout our time with Kaden, this song brought me back to the place where I remembered God was in control of our lives and that no matter what, He cared about us and was there to hold us. This week this song has again touched my heart, I've cried many tears and each one is held in His hand and cherished. Thank you my Father for the time of joy and sorrow, for without sorrow, joy means nothing.
"Praise You In This Storm"
Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Friday, October 17, 2008


Thoughts jumbled up, trying to spill out, but only tears come,
Running down my face, wetting my pillow, dropping silently in the night
Feeling of despair in the whole of my heart
Will it end?
I turn my face to Him, crying out for my desire
I hear His voice, saying, "Wait my child"
He comforts me with hugs from my children
And kisses from my husband
With friends and family
Who speak words only God could have given them.

*Thank you to each of you who have touched my life, not only during this time, but always.
I love you.


Thursday, October 16, 2008


We found out about a month ago that we were expecting again. Unfortunately, yesterday, during my OB visit, they were unable to find our baby's heartbeat. This is the letter I wrote to our baby who we believed would have been a girl.....

Why my little angel did He choose to take you? Why will I never hold you in my arms or sing you to sleep? I don't understand, I can't fathom how this is for the best, or how a merciful, loving Father would take the most precious thing and keep it for Himself. We chose your name the other night, Leilani Faith. It means heavenly flower, and you are just that, a beautiful flower in His garden. Have you met your sister, Gracie, yet? Did you know it was her? Are you playing together on the streets of gold? What wonderful things you must see with your eyes. Things mommy can only imagine. Do you know your big sister and big brothers love you? Do you know how excited mommy was to give you your first kiss and to see what you look like? Heaven seems so far away, an eternity until we meet. Mommy's tears will last a lifetime. I'll think of you in August when you were conceived, and in September when we learned about you, and in October when we said goodnight. And again in November when we celebrate Kaeleigh's life, and in December when we would have learned you were a girl, and January when my belly would be alive with kicks and squirms, and February when the third trimester would have begun and I would be swelling and anticipating. In March when I wouldn't be able to breathe because you were taking up all my space. And in April when we would welcome your arrival and take pictures, and call friends and family and tell them, "She's here!" And in May when the flowers are all blooming and the world is full of new life and color, my sky will be gray. In June when we would all be together when school gets out, and the thought of taking you to the pool for the first time and seeing if you were like Daddy and love the water. And in July when we go downtown for our annual picture on the 4th, there will be a little face missing and it will be especially hard because that's the day Gracie went to be with Jesus. Not a day will pass that I won't think of you and what our lives would be like with another princess. I love you my little girl. Ask Jesus to tell you about us.... Until I see you again, I love you. Love, Mommy