Week 22 - Christmas Eve

Kaeleigh and I went to Target today to grab some last minute items. I was looking through the racks of clearance and came across a maternity shirt. I looked at Kaeleigh and told her that I should be wearing those clothes right now, and she just hugged me and told me it was ok. The pain in my heart is still deep. Last night, Avery was sitting next to me at my desk and I was listening to the song in the link below and crying. He said "Why are you sad Mama?" I explained to him as best I could that I was just having a sad minute. He looked up at me and said, "Are you sad about the baby, 'cause sometimes I get sad about it too." Yes, it is sad today, but God continues to heal my broken heart and has given me such wonderful children to ease the pain. Their laughter is a blessed distraction from the cold world. I have already been given Christmas gifts, Tim, Kaeleigh, Avery, and Kaden, and the babies I can't hold now, I will hold them! God's promise!

Take a moment to listen to the song below (take from my friend Rebecca's blog) and allow it to speak to you and help you remember those that are celebrating in Heaven with our Savior....

Christmas in Heaven


“So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.”- Luke 2:16-20

Week 21

I know, I know, I'm a day late! Truth is, I spent quite a few hours yesterday talking with a young mom who's unborn baby will be coming into the world and need heart surgery in just a few days. As I talked with her, I relived all I had been through with Kaden. I had the opportunity to talk with her about God, and how no matter what our circumstance, His plan is divine and He is in control. God has given me such an avenue to witness to families at such a vulnerable time in their lives. A chance to talk about His love for them, and that He cares, not only for their child's physical heart, but spiritual one as well. The look on the mother's face when I told her, "I wouldn't change that Kaden had heart surgery" said more than any words could. She was appalled that I would even suggest I was ok with it. But as I continued, I watched her face change and saw she understood, if it weren't for Kaden's surgery, SHE would be alone. God brought me to her nearly two years to the day after we found out about Kaden's heart. She understood, praise God. She could see how something so terrible could be made into something so amazing!

Our words aren't adequate enough to describe our loving, faithful, enduring Father. I cannot fathom a word great enough to encompass all He is to us, to me!! Praise you Father God, with uplifed hands and a renewed heart for the work you have given me!!! Thank you Father for allowing me to have Kaden, and showing me, beyond any doubt, You control the universe, and hold all things in Your hands! Glory, praise, and honor are Yours!

Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come and has redeemed his people. He has raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David (as he said through his holy prophets of long ago) Luke 1:69

Twenty Weeks

This morning marks a date that should have been big for us. Today would have been the half-way mark of our pregnancy. We would have been having our ultrasound and her echo soon.

Yesterday I got to hold my friend's new baby. It was bitter sweet. I'm so excited for her, but my heart ached that I would never hold my precious little girl this side of heaven. I held back my tears as I looked at his face, touched his cheeks, held his hand, and did all the things I wanted for myself. As I handed him back to his mommy, my heart longed to be her, having the joy of that first bath, diaper, snuggle. All the things I won't have with Leilani.

For the last twenty weeks, I have longed for things that I cannot have. I have cried, yelled, been angry, and I have tried to give my aching to my Father. In my humanity, I am unable to bear this loss. I want the next twenty weeks to be different. So each week on Wednesday, as I remember my daughter and where I would be in my pregnancy with her, I want to post something positive about motherhood. Pray with me that God will allow me to use this blog to glorify Him, even in the pain.

The LORD your God will raise up for you a prophet like me from among your own brothers. You must listen to him. Deuteronomy 18:15