Goodnight

We found out about a month ago that we were expecting again. Unfortunately, yesterday, during my OB visit, they were unable to find our baby's heartbeat. This is the letter I wrote to our baby who we believed would have been a girl.....

Why my little angel did He choose to take you? Why will I never hold you in my arms or sing you to sleep? I don't understand, I can't fathom how this is for the best, or how a merciful, loving Father would take the most precious thing and keep it for Himself. We chose your name the other night, Leilani Faith. It means heavenly flower, and you are just that, a beautiful flower in His garden. Have you met your sister, Gracie, yet? Did you know it was her? Are you playing together on the streets of gold? What wonderful things you must see with your eyes. Things mommy can only imagine. Do you know your big sister and big brothers love you? Do you know how excited mommy was to give you your first kiss and to see what you look like? Heaven seems so far away, an eternity until we meet. Mommy's tears will last a lifetime. I'll think of you in August when you were conceived, and in September when we learned about you, and in October when we said goodnight. And again in November when we celebrate Kaeleigh's life, and in December when we would have learned you were a girl, and January when my belly would be alive with kicks and squirms, and February when the third trimester would have begun and I would be swelling and anticipating. In March when I wouldn't be able to breathe because you were taking up all my space. And in April when we would welcome your arrival and take pictures, and call friends and family and tell them, "She's here!" And in May when the flowers are all blooming and the world is full of new life and color, my sky will be gray. In June when we would all be together when school gets out, and the thought of taking you to the pool for the first time and seeing if you were like Daddy and love the water. And in July when we go downtown for our annual picture on the 4th, there will be a little face missing and it will be especially hard because that's the day Gracie went to be with Jesus. Not a day will pass that I won't think of you and what our lives would be like with another princess. I love you my little girl. Ask Jesus to tell you about us.... Until I see you again, I love you. Love, Mommy